Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Aqua Man Makes Party Extremely Awkward

According to reports from several people in attendance, Aqua Man made Cal Bennick’s 40th birthday party needlessly awkward and uncomfortable. The series of socially painful moments began the minute he walked into the party. Anna Bennick, the hostess, greeted him excitedly and told him that the guests were talking their shoes off and putting them by the door. She immediately noted, after saying this, that Aqua Mans bottom torso was covered in a form fitting pair of green stretch pants that had pajama like feet sewn into them.
“It was really uncomfortable” Partygoer Sarah Howe explained later “Anna caught herself and said not to worry about it, since his “shoes” were part of his costume. Oh boy. Aqua Man did not like the word “costume”. Aqua Man bristled and explained that he, as the ruler of Atlantis, had to maintain a formal appearance at all times, even at neighborhood get together. He gave her a lengthy explanation about the history of Atlantis and the cultural significance of his attire and that reducing the appearance of his clothing to a costume was a surface dweller micro-aggression. “Within 30 seconds of entering my house Aqua-Man told me to “check my privilege”. Ann Bennick told us after the event. “And then it got really uncomfortable when he handed me the food he brought.” Aqua Man handed the host a foil covered damp paper plate and told her that she should put it somewhere cool immediately, as the food was fresh. She asked him with a forced smiled what he had brought. “He said that he brought what was left of an “asshole dolphin” and just walked away from her, leaving her holding a plate of an endangered mammal that has somehow angered the king of the ocean”. Party Goer Rick Rauch stated. “It was bizarre. I mean, I didn’t get the impression that he hunted this dolphin or anything. The implication was murder and he wanted that to be known. Nobody else even brought food. It’s a party not a potluck. I figured he would just bring a really cool looking shell full of wine or something. Not a paper plate soggy with dolphin blood". Aqua-Man than proceeded to walk through the party, ignoring the people around him, and went over to the Bennick fish tank. He leaned against the wall and began to snicker snidely while clearly communicating with the fish. Whenever a guest would approach him he would hold up his hand and say with pursed teeth “I’m talking to the fish. It’s an aqua thing. Leave us be”. He left the aquarium at one point to go take a painting off the wall. He told one of the guests that he simply wanted to give the fish “a few hours of decency”. “Well, it was a Thomas Kincaid painting, so I can’t really fault the fish for being annoyed at having to stare at it. It was tacky.” Said attendee Alisa Tucker. “And really, despite all that weirdness, he’s Aqua-Man. He was kind of cute in his own way. But, as it turns out, he’s a real creeper. Alisa was of course referring to an incident that happened in the Bennicks bathroom. She was casually talking to Aqua-Man and Aqua-Man indicated to her several times how clean and well-kept the Bennicks bathroom was. He kept handing her glasses of water as well. He specifically told her several times that the bathroom was just down the hall, indicating that he had used it earlier. Alisa went into the bathroom and noticed that there was a small fish bowl with a single goldfish hidden under a pile of towels. “It was basically a spy cam. He communicates telepathically with fish and can see what they see. And it turns out the Mayor of Fishtown really wanted to see me pee.” The Bennicks have decided, at the time of this articles publication, that they will no longer invite Aqua-Man to their get-togethers. However, they have kept a healthy perspective and agreed that despite all his flaws, Aqua-Man at least has a health understanding of vaccinations and their importance, unlike the anti-vaxxer/essential oils enthusiast, and original neighborhood pariah, Poison Ivy.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Shelia Eddy and Rachel Shoaf: The Mean Girl Murderers

It's hard to believe that two of these teens stabbed the third one to death. For no reason other than "we didn't like her" But that's what these bitches did.....

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Daniel LaPlante: Not a nightmare, just pure evil.

Daniel LaPlante won't be executed, but at least he went bald.
He deserves to die a horrible death

Sunday, May 7, 2017

Elliot Rodger: The involuntary celibate you love to hate.

Elliot Rodger somehow managed to be raised by a Hollywood producer in southern California and not get laid. This was a point of contention for him, as well as confusion. Despite having good parents, and every privilege one could imagine, he was unable to get it done with the ladies. So, naturally, he took to the internet for help. He found solace with creeps (even for the internet) in the involuntary celibate (Incel) community. He was off putting, filled with rage, and quite literally a pyschopath. However, he was a very strong World of Warcraft Player.
Ahhhh, so cute. Like Joffrey, only dorkier. Here is his youtube video: And our podcast:

Thursday, April 20, 2017